I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
