May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
