i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
