My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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