I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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