Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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