Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
