I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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