I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't put those talents on a resume
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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