And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
