Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
