i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
