Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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