My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
