omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
