I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
