I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
