I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
