i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
