Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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