Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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