I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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