I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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