you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
