What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
