I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
