Non-Jews are for practice
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
