Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
