He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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