I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
