Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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