Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
