Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
