I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
