who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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