drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
