I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
