I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
