If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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