Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
