you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
