I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
