so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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