My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
