I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
