Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
