sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
