I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
