so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
