i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
